R.I.P.

Evel Knievel has reportedly died. We can only assume that his hearse will jump the Grand Canyon sometime later tonight.

Speaking of R.I.P., the Banana Soup column and RobbieHartman.com are continuing their suspensions for breaking 2.7 million laws of decency … and counting.

As soon as this situation has been rectified, you’ll be the first to know.

Patriotism Redefined

By Robbie Hartman
Originally published in the Nov. 1, 2007 edition of Shepherd Express

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Two months ago, I thought porking Ann Coulter was the ultimate way to serve this country. Then along came that rowdy band of patriots known as Blackwater to blow away my previous notion by blowing away Iraqi citizens for big-time cashola. Suddenly, those of us who thought we knew true patriotism were put to shame.

With renewed purpose, I switch dreams from porking a political whore to whoring myself out for political pork. Henceforth, I offer my services to the White House as a character assassin. Think of me as the literary Blackwater.

That company’s CEO, Erik Prince, may be the new king of pop-pop-pop, but don’t underestimate the firepower of the written word. While Blackwater’s Prince of Darkness works the combat angle, I’ll shed light on political enemies with the warm glow of yellow journalism. And where others stop at the sword, I’ll prove the pen mightier than the AK-47 military assault rifle.

I’m not gunning for a Congressional Medal of Honor here. I just want to do my part, by adding a complete lack of conscience¬—an element that hasn’t been missing enough in recent political attacks. Besmirching a seriously injured 12-year-old boy should be child’s play, yet grown men were made fools by Graeme Frost. This Maryland youth, physically battered in a car accident, publicly stated that all kids should have access to health care—sounds more like a mental illness, I know. But, somehow, those who valiantly tried to protect business interests by assailing a little kid allowed themselves to look like the bad guys. These amateur saboteurs may be loyal, but they’re rather phony soldiers.

To keep it real, to righteously spread dirt, one must cleanse oneself of any and all decency. I hath bathed in the River Libel, Mr. President, and I stand ready to shower thy enemies with scorn.

Take Hillary Clinton: I’m fully prepared to state that she enjoys making love to Stalin’s corpse. To the untrained ear, that sounds like a lie. We in the biz call it pre-emptive truth. And given Clinton’s support of universal health care, I have little choice but to say she’s in bed with Communism.

Of course, in her Alice in Wonderland fantasy world, Clinton may still object. However, should Hillary stack the legal cards against us, we’ll simply portray her as the vindictive Queen of Hearts, and it’ll be off with her head-start on the Democratic nomination.

Bear in mind, Mr. Bush, this off-with-her-head approach is just a freebie off the top of my head. Imagine the underhanded scheme I could dream with my palms greased. Not that I’m a greedy man—but at the same time, it’d be embarrassing to invite friends to my private island in the Bahamas if I didn’t actually own a private island in the Bahamas. You see my dilemma.

Fortunately, exorbitant compensation from the president is not without precedent. Blackwater may make Iraq’s blue waters run red, but its financial standing is firmly in the black, having received more than a billion dollars from the government. And it’s not alone: The State Department said it couldn’t recall “specifically what it received” for $1.2 billion paid to fellow security contractor DynCorp, and an estimated $9 billion remains unaccounted for in the last four years of war.

I’m not being critical, mind you—I don’t like balancing my checkbook either. All I’m asking is that the State Department not specifically recall misplacing $50 million my way. Bottom line, partaking in this fiscal policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” would make me extremely happy—quite gay, in fact. But instead of sinfully undermining morality, this gay uprising will spread lies for your political gain.

The ugly truth is people in Blackwater and my line of work are forced to earn big-money contracts because endorsement deals are virtually impossible. Even when marketed as quenching a country’s thirst for freedom, slaying Iraqi citizens doesn’t easily lend itself to a Gatorade campaign.

Then again, good marketing is simply the best-told lie. It’s no surprise that simple lies and secret ties can profitably give rise to enemy demise: This new brand of patriotism is like poetry in motion. And if there’s any poetic justice, it’ll soon receive its just due.

’Til then, let’s just do it, and create our own slogan: Whether it’s spreading misinformation or killing civilians, it’s only a crime if nobody gets paid. Otherwise, it’s just business.

And with your continued support, it can become business as usual.

And Yet I Persevere

Sometimes, the most difficult task in life is doing nothing at all — which makes this entry the hardest one I’ve ever written.

How Time Flies

When I first started this website, the Internet was nothing but apple orchards, as far as the eye could see. And now look at it — there isn’t a person, place or thing you can’t sell on this baby.

Obviously, I can’t take full credit for the success of the Internet. But at the same time, it’s all because of me. I guess what I’m trying to say, in my own humble way, is that you’re welcome.

Never Too Late to Make the Switch

Sometimes the sun burns your tender, loving skin. The sun also contributes greatly to global warming. And it only makes itself available to you during the day.

Me? I’m always here for you. As you take a minute to soak that in, let me gently remind you — it’s never too late to switch to a Robbiocentric vision of our solar system.

Halloween Reminder

Tonight is Halloween, which means the streets will be filled with little kids pounding the pavement in search of some sweet, sweet sugar. Inevitably, some of our young ones will be picked off by cars. And that’s cool: As a society, we’ve come to accept that fact, and even look at the positive aspect of shorter lines at Disneyland. But if you’re out driving tonight, don’t swerve into a group of children — that’s just insensitive.

Work Etiquette Tip O’ the Day

If your co-worker’s bra is showing, it is NOT appropriate to say, “Excuse me, but I’ve got a great view of your boob container.”

Nor would it be acceptable to state, “Your B-cup runneth over,” and then high-five yourself.

The appropriate response would be to loudly clear your throat and gently nod your head toward the revealed strap. If you have a strong working relationship, you could also pretend to whisper in your co-worker’s ear, and then use your tongue to push the bra back in place. As always, the key is subtlety.

To Whom It May Apply

I’m terribly sorry to hear about the gerbil stuck in your anus. Have you tried placing cheese on your underwear to lure it out?

Something to Chew On

Every time you bite into a hamburger, think about this: Are you actually eating the burger, or is the burger eating you?

If the burger’s eating you, call for help immediately! The situation is beyond critical, and it’s certainly nothing to sit around thinking about.

Wait…Which One Are We Talking About?

In an embarrassing error that was in no way intentional, Mitt Romney accidentally referred to Osama bin Laden as “Barack Obama” while speaking at a campaign stop in South Carolina today.

Here is the slip-up that could easily have happened to anyone, as reported by the Associated Press: “Actually, just look at what Osama — Barack Obama said just yesterday,” Romney said. “Barack Obama calling on radicals, jihadists of all different types, to come together in Iraq. That is the battlefield.”

I can practically smell the innocence in this slight, semantic whoopsie-daisy. But, of course, the Barack Hussein campaign couldn’t leave well enough alone, firing a verbal Scud missile at Romney. Adolf Obama’s spokesman, Bill Burton, said, “Apparently, Mitt Romney can switch names just as casually as he switches positions, but what’s wrongheaded is continuing a misguided war in Iraq that has left America less safe. It’s time to end the divisiveness and fear-mongering that is at the heart of Gov. Romney’s campaign.”

See: This is just the type of comment that makes people confuse an Illinois senator running for the presidency of the United States with the mastermind of worldwide terror attacks. No matter what Romney may or may not have accidentally said by mistake, divisiveness and fear-mongering have done nothing wrong: Stop attacking the innocent, Mr. Obama — if that is your real name. Given Barack “Machine Gun” Kelly’s reaction, you’d have thought the transcript actually read like this:

Romney: “Barack bin Laden…oh, I’m so sorry. Osama Obama…oh no, not again. Barack Dahmer, ahhh, I mean, Skeletor Obama…oh, Lord, why does this keep happening by accident?!? My terrorist…I mean, my opponent, Mr. Barack Lucifer III…oh, man, this is so embarrassing. What I’m trying to say is that Barack Obama loves evil and wants to kill your babies. Thank you and goodnight!”

Then I could maybe understand why the Obama campaign would be slightly upset. For a minute. And then laugh about it. Any other reaction is just petty, immature politics.